I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
