I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
