i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
