Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
