I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
