i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
