But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
