i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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