I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
