Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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