sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
