I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I will die if light touches me.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
