This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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