i would punch a child for taco bell
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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