You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
