u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
