I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
