Can Purell be used as lube?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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