they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
