my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
