The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
