Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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