And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
