I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
