in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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