I wish I could teleport
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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