they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
