I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
