god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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