I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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