I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize