no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize