when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
