Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
