yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
