Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
