Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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