Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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