Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
