It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
