So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
