Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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