Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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