Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
