how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
