I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
