I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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