I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
