I accidentally burped into my bong.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
He passed out mid-signature
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
