She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
