nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize