hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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