I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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