My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
